Distorted Perceptions

I've realized that over some time now, my relationships have suffered some damage. This may not be as obvious to those around me because they can't see where it is going. I can, perhaps that is why it's more obvious to me and that itself may have contributed to the damage.

The source of this I believe is the fact that everything I cared about has been taken away from me, either by my own doing or just because life's funny like that. I think because of that I'm learning to isolate myself towards things I can control. I do care about the people around me, some more than others of course but maybe I could invest just enough that it doesn't affect me to a great extent? Is that even possible? Wishful thinking probably. Because as we get to know someone new, we assign a purpose for them and that is why we get to know them better. As we get to know them better, we develop a habit that is dependent on them and with time this habit becomes stronger and stronger. Until, something happens to the source. Then what are we left with? Who's going to fill that hole that has been consistently filled this whole time? What damages will be brought about by this change? What if the tables were turned and I was the one depended on? Would it be fair that someone has gave me so much power over them but they mean little to me?

To me, I could lose respect for someone just by them saying something so small that it would be a shame to point it out. Its importance to them would be the equivalent of saying for instance "let's go". Can you imagine me confronting someone for the way they said "let's go"? I'm not all that sensitive, in fact, I can tolerate a lot from people and tolerance is a good practice for my ego too. But it's just the little things that people say or do and it's not even the action, it's the implication of the action that really sets me off. I also find myself respecting and wanting to be around people who have little if any respect for me, which I can see in their eyes. It doesn't really matter if they do respect me or not, all that matters is how i perceive it. And if I believe it's there, then the damage is done.

With all things considered, should I really be having many outside sources of dependency? I think not. Well, I've set the foundation, what happens from here we'll have to wait and see. Oh how I love my mind. Although, because of it, I'm not the prize of society but I'll live. Hope it made some sense. I don't really know how else to explain it.